…. who needs enemies? Amirite? Self – sabotage is one of those things that I wax lyrical about on an almost daily basis. Absolutely NO ONE can put me off track more than myself. With 2018 well under way and with so much amazing stuff in the pipeline for this year, you would think that my brain would FINALLY be kicking into gear. Well, you would be wrong, sorry about that. Well, that’s an exaggeration, I am getting WAY better at certain things but then there are others that I am firmly on board the struggle-bus with. I suppose that is why I have decided to take this to blog-land. I tend to find when I write stuff down it suddenly loses a lot of it’s impact in my head, like it takes the steam out of the relentless mixtape of ‘Now That’s What I Call…… You’re Gonna Fail (1981-present).”
There have been multiple things that I have achieved that I never thought I would be able to. Sticking to a meditation schedule (66 days and counting), stopping smoking (9 weeks and counting) saving money everyday (I managed that for 365 days last year AND am on track again AND MORE this year) – so WHY is it that there are certain aspects that I struggle so badly with?
The thing that I really find difficult is my relationship with food. I am an emotional eater. I eat when I’m happy, sad, bored, excited, scared and even when I am just baseline. Being a walking emotion, this means that food and I spend a LOT of time together. An unhealthy amount really. Like, literally unhealthy. I have put on SO much weight that it’s uncomfortable for me to even think about. Another reason why I came here, because I NEED to think about it. I need to start processing what is actually going on in order to make the changes that I need to and that I actually REALLY WANT to. Sometimes wanting something is all it takes and sometimes wanting it isn’t enough and it needs broken down, planned for and executed with a degree of skill and thought and I think that’s where I am at….
I have always struggled with diet, I was a chubber as a child and I don’t think I have ever really had a good insight into what I actually look like. I have always thought of myself as the ‘fat one’ in any of my friendship groups. It’s only when I look back at photographs of me that I can see that I wasn’t actually ever as big as I thought. When I moved into my own house in 2009 things started to decline. When you don’t have another person to judge you for ordering 3 times in one night from Just Eat it kind of becomes a non-event. I mean, I am aware that this is excessive by any stretch of the imagination but I am one of those people who needs to be held accountable. The faceless ease of the time of the interwebs has been my platform to find what I am REALLY good at but it has also been my undoing in this particular way….
I’m not very good at holding myself accountable, I guess it stems from somewhat unhealthy relationships where I have never really felt ‘good enough’ and therefore I have a constant need to please others. When the people I care about are happy, I too am happy. I place a lot of weight (pardon the pun) on that, which is also something that I need to work on. I am an empath and I tend to pick up on the unhappiness of others (which is really REALLY unhelpful in my line of day job) but instead of attributing that to what THEY are feeling I automatically kick into ‘helper’ mode and I try to fix everything. When I can’t fix it, I feel even worse, even though the emotion or the problem was not mine to deal with. Can’t control that? EAT IT! This is why meditation has been such a godsend – it is beginning to chip away at those feelings of responsibility and internalisation and is giving me the platform to identify what is mine to hold and what is not. This is NOT an easy thing to do.
So when it comes to food, I need to hold myself accountable BUT I cannot do this on my own (ironical) as I have proven repeatedly. I first joined Slimming World in 2013 and I lost 40lbs. I have put all of that and then some back on. I always found that when I had a week where I maintained or I put on, even 1/2 a lb, instead of looking at the bigger picture of where I was going, it put me off entirely and I would go on a binge rampage. Then I would feel like I had messed everything up and that would send me into a spiral of actually really messing everything up.
I rejoined Slimming World in 2017 and I lost 13lbs and then the same thing happened again. It’s only been more recently, and I strongly believe that the meditation has something to do with it, that I have started to feel a shift in my thinking. I finally feel ready to go back to a class so I have made a plan to rejoin on Tuesday 9th January 2018. The group in itself and the walk to the scale on Day 1 should be enough to get me into the first week.
This is what I need to tell myself: Those weeks I put on or I maintain are going to happen, that’s when I need to continue to stick to the plan. It’s not that I need to make changes to a system that works. I know what I am doing and I have done it before. I know that I am unhappy with where I am right now and I want to get out of the shame spiral. I have seen it work for others so well and I know it can and has worked for me. I know all of these things. But here’s the bit I struggle with…. I also know that this demon is the one that has the most OVERWHELMING ability to make all of that knowledge disappear and in what seems like an instant I am eyeballs deep in pizza and chips and ice cream.
So, dear reader, I ask you to come on this journey with me. I know it must feel like every lifestyle blogger is writing about NEW YEAR NEW ME and all of that but I really REALLY need your help. I need you to hold me accountable as I make my way in this. I promise not every blog post will be about Slimming World, there are too many other things happening for me to focus solely on that. But I do want to share my thinking, when I find out how to overcome certain things that have been a struggle, because I know that I will and hopefully those things will help you too. Onwards and downwards, eh??