Hello my lovelies! How are things? As usual I have been doing some thinking and in this internet driven world we live in, if I don’t blog about it who can say whether it really happened or not.
Let me paint the picture. I took today as a ‘me’ day which involves doing very little other than the things I like to do which include walking, having a bath, watching Parks and Rec and keeping a bag of Maltesers in the fridge until I can no longer take the temptation (1 hour) but the entire day I was agitated. Even when walking in my bath and eating Maltesers while watching Parks and Recreation. Like unsettled to the point of rage. The reason I took the ‘me’ day was because this has been happening on and off for a few days so I thought that this would take it away. Needless to say it didn’t so I was forced by my brain (thanks, brain) to think about what was annoying me. I identified the issue in seconds because I knew EXACTLY what was bothering me. Then came the hard part, what to do about it.
So in an earlier blog post I talked about the ability to let things go and how I find that difficult. I read the post back to myself and got even more angry because I wasn’t doing what I said I would do. That was helpful (can you hear my eyes rolling?) I then sat on and on and on and seethed the day away which as I am sure you will agree was exceptionally healthy and productive.
I always put a lot of pressure on myself to resolve my own issues, probably based on the fact I was heavily criticised in a previous life for being too dependant but I always thought that’s what friends did for friends. One friend feels bad/needs help and the other friend does what they can to try and help build them back up and the roles switch and vice versa. Y’know like give and take. So instead of reaching out, I continued to seethe. The old critical tape still playing in my head with the unhelpful messages all coming through loud and clear. “Roger that, I’m worth nada, best not bother anyone with anything stupid like how you’re feeling.”
Then I realised, hang on a minute. That critical tape? The one that seems to be stuck on repeat at times? That is NOT TRUE. How do I know that? Because of PEOPLE. The people in my life who I choose to have around me on a daily basis and who enjoy me being in their lives too (possibly because of my Maltesers) but most likely because I am me. The give and take thing IS what friends do for friends, DUH. So I bit the bullet and I reached out. No tip toeing around the topic, just plain and simple text saying what I was angry about and why and y’know what? It stopped the tape. I wasn’t looking for Hallmark verses about how wonderful I am (which was lucky) but what I was looking for was honesty, from the people who know me and who care enough about me that they would take 5 minutes out of their day to talk me down. And they did.
Sometimes we spend so long beating ourselves up about things that we coulda, shoulda, woulda blah blah. It’s not worth it. Believe me. I didn’t even enjoy my Maltesers (ps this is not an ad for Maltesers, I just really like them) Sometimes we make poor decisions on who we let into our inner circles and that can ricochet through every future relationship. Not everyone is a snake in the grass. Take the lessons and put them to good use – don’t let the words and actions of someone who hurt you at one time, impact you forever. What use is that to you? Every person we come into contact with will teach us things. It is up to us how we put those lessons into practice. Learn to identify when your critical tape is on a loop and show it who is boss by pressing your own stop button however YOU want to. Better still, convert to MP3, it takes up way less space.
So there you have it. My thinkings of the day. I’m glad I recognised what was happening and did what I needed to do to break the cycle. Everyday is a school day, right? I’m going to go out there and do what I need to do to make ME happy. I don’t know about you but I feel a trip to the shop coming on (Maltesers are 2 bags for a £1……)