Okay, so we’re only 3 days in but I clearly remembering only having one maths class to learn Pythagoras Theorem so using that logic I could have learned a lot. Stick with me here….
In the run up to the New Year I did a major clear out of my house. 2 days, all guns blazing (or vacuums sucking) and 23 bags of unnecessary clutter later my home was free from debris. In the clear out I came across a lot of stuff that I had forgotten that I had. Some of which brought back amazing memories and some of which brought back memories that are best off in the trash. I created 2 memory boxes, got £15.16 from the clothes people and visited the dump on 4 occasions. I then saged my house and myself safe in the knowledge that I was C.L.E.A.N and free of ties and memories that had no place in my 2017.
Well, guess what? I was a little bit incorrect. Not fully incorrect by any stretch of the imagination, my home is now a safe space for me once again. Unless of course there is some kind of violent crime committed and by chance the police look in my drawers. My rolled EVERYTHING will surely mean all fingers will point to me as a detail obsessed psychopath.
But in the cleansing process and the days thereafter it has become extremely clear to me what I have left to work on. Some things are going to be a cinch. Others, not so much.
I have to learn to let go. I am a ruthless declutterer of physical things, this became apparent to me last year when we were getting my Uncle’s shop ready to be passed on to new owners AND in the Homestead Clearout 2016. I am however an emotion hoarder. My brain does this thing where it holds onto emotions and they become extremely real tangible feelings again, despite there being exceptional lengths of time between the actual occurrence and my present being. The most prevalent of these is anger. Which I suppose is a step up from sadness which is what I had been dealing with. The other is love. Not current but past. The kind that sometimes makes you feel a bit disappointed that things didn’t work out the way you had hoped.
As I mentioned in a previous post I am reading The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene and this has prompted me to be reflective. In it he talks about how reacting to feelings of anger or love can be the most destructive decisions you can ever make for yourself. This rings true with me on so many levels. I could write ’48 Laws What Did You Do That For Lindsey?’ purely based on decisions I have made out of anger. Also in the current climate of social media it is extremely easy to make these decisions publicly and loudly. What are inherently your thoughts and feelings suddenly become public knowledge and we have no one to blame but ourselves.
Last night I posted to Instagram but it wasn’t out of anger or love. It was out of reflection. I don’t want to make a habit out of it but I also don’t for one minute regret a single thing that I said. In fact, I haven’t regretted anything I have said for a long time because I have realised that I am no less of a person than anyone else and that my feelings are as valid as anyone else’s. However, I do know that some of these feelings are destructive to me and me alone. And what is the point in that? It’s literally that saying about “drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” I mean, if a person wasn’t ready, willing or able to see their OWN behaviour when it was pointed out to them, why would I believe they would have seen how it was impacting ME? Why would I be holding onto that? So what if they want the world to believe they are this type of person when you know they are THAT type of person? Why does it even matter?
It’s easier said than done OBVIOUSLY or else I’d be writing about pancakes or something. It makes you question who you are as a person, what you did wrong, why you couldn’t make things better etc. When people present as rational, emotionally intelligent humans on a daily basis it’s hard to believe that they can’t see what they are doing. Here’s the truth in my opinion, I have come to terms with the fact that everyone knows what they are doing. No one is that stupid. In the majority, most people are out for themselves and although I struggled with that before, it makes complete sense to me now. Right now I am all about looking after myself. I don’t think anyone should be treated badly or harshly in the quest for self fulfilment in any way however I do believe that if we are on the receiving end of harsh treatment that then is the time to skedaddle. That is how we look out for ourselves and that is what I did. Winner!
So there you go. That is my first reflection on 2017. I am going to try to be more mindful of when I am slugging down that poison and LET IT GO. How are your NY’s going? Have we all recovered from cheese inhalation? Let me know……
Ps I included some pictures from my most recent wanderings – sorry they don’t really tie in but they are pretty, right??